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The Patron Saint of Superheroes

Chris Gavaler Explores the Multiverse of Comics, Pop Culture, and Politics

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History is confusing. There are so many people and places and names, it’s hard to keep it all straight. That’s why it’s important to write history books that everyone can understand. And it’s even more important to write American history books that make Americans feel good about America. Because who wants to read something depressing about your own country?

That’s why former Republican Presidential contender and future Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson was so upset about the College Board’s 2014 Advanced Placement history course. It was way too negative. “I think,” said Carson, “most people, when they finish that course, they’d be ready to sign up for ISIS.”

Fortunately, ISIS doesn’t accept college credit for high school courses, even when students earn a top score of 5 on an A. P. exam. The course was endorsed by the American Historical Association, which defended its choice between “a more comfortable national history and a more unsettling one,” but the Republican National Committee still called it a “radically revisionist view of American history that emphasizes negative aspects of our nation’s history while omitting or minimizing positive aspects.”

So the College Board rewrote its history to make it “balanced” (the same word they like so much over at Fox News). It even made the director of education policy at the conservative American Enterprise Institute feel “very comfortable.” That’s not easy to do, especially with a history filled with so much confusing and depressing information.

After Donald Trump is appointed President by the Electoral College, a lot of more history books will need to be rewritten to make America great again. That’s not an easy job, so I’ve asked Two-Face to give it a try in this week’s political cartoon. His two-headed view gives him a perfect perspective on American politics (and what better way to understand America than getting acid thrown in your face?).

The trick is to figure out what your readers like most and then rewrite everything around those basic ideas. So based on the 2016 election, what do Americans really care about? The scarred half of George Washington boiled it down to just two things (though the silly, unscarred half is still sorting through all those pesky facts).

Here it is:

WHITE PENIS HISTORY

white-penis-history-column-1

white-penis-history-column-2

white-penis-history-column-3

Like America, it’s still a work-in-progress, but I’m sure Two-Faced George will have even black penis Ben Carson feeling very comfortable soon.

Oh, and here’s a mini version to cut out and use as a cheat sheet when you’re trying to pass your ISIS entrance exam.

white-penis-history

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