Skip to content

The Patron Saint of Superheroes

Chris Gavaler Explores the Multiverse of Comics, Pop Culture, and Politics

I didn’t think we’d stage this monologue. I wrote it years ago, even before the Charlottesville Unite the Right Rally, but it resonates more horrifically this summer of BLM protests and tumbling Confederacy monuments. When it came time to convert my play The Zombie Life into an online preview of excerpts, I didn’t think any of the actors would want to perform “Zombie Klansman.” I was wrong. They were all willing, voting it to the top of their must-perform list. The producer was understandably hesitant. Firehouse Theatre is only two blocks from the Lee statue on Richmond’s Monument Avenue. But then the director (who not coincidentally is my sister) proposed an interactive staging that pushed the limits of Zoom, and now, after the addition of a trigger warning, it is the finale of The Zombie Monologues.

All six performances are here.


While observing my former patients, the ones who have volunteered to embrace the emotional peace of the zombie life, I’ve discovered that certain objects, certain physical possessions seem to carry a kind of psychological charge in them, a residue of memory, of identity. They’re haunted. Of course anything that forces a former convert to re-experience emotional pain is a dangerous object. But some dangerous objects are more dangerous than others.

For this week’s final experiment, our final testimony before bringing the Zombie Life seminar to you live next year in the Firehouse theatre, I would like everyone to witness the transformative horror of a dangerously haunted object—and so help you recognize the need to relinquish all human connections that bring only pain and suffering to our lives. Thank you.


I hated black people. Like my daddy did. It’s a heritage thing. If they’re so pissed about being slaves why not ship back home to Africa already? Take the Indians with you. Both kinds. And the Mexicans, obviously. Asians. I could stomach. They got a work ethic. Especially in bed. Even if they smelled funny. Worse now. We all do. It’s the rot. It’s hard picking any of them out of a crowd anymore. It’s like I’m going color blind. Everything is gray. Everybody. A sort of greenish gray, with darker, flaky bits where it’s really bad. You’d be surprised how fast skin spoils. Pretty soon we’re all one color. One race. It’s like pinko heaven around here. We all rot at the same rate. Three words: e-fucking-quality. What the negro lovers were trying to breed us down to. This got the job down a hell of a lot faster.  Not that I’m complaining. No more illegals stealing the jobs. No government hand-outs bleeding my paycheck. No more mongrel babies. No half-bloods. Or blue bloods either. It all drains out. Blood is blood. Every drop of it. Hard figuring what we got so rabid about. So bloodthirsty. Life will do that to you. Make everything look so black and white. Gray is better. Skin is skin. I don’t hate you. I just need you dead. I just need everybody dead.



the ZOMBIE monologues

by Chris Gavaler

directed by Joan Gavaler

August 19-30, 2020

the ZOMBIE monologues is a fully virtual prequel to our world premiere of Chris Gavaler’s THE ZOMBIE LIFE that we’ve had to postpone due to COVID-19.
Videos will premiere at 4pm on 8/19, 8/21, 8/23, 8/25, 8/27, and 8/29 at these 3 links

Wed 8/19, Thu 8/20
Ken Moretti – Therapist + Keaton Hillman – Doctor
Fri 8/21, Sat 8/22
Marjie Southerland – Chef
Sun 8/23, Mon 8/24
Robbie Winston – Professional
Tue 8/25, Wed 8/26
Boomie Pedersen – Activist
Thu 8/27, Fri 8/28
Caity Brown – Volunteer
Sat 8/29, Sun 8/30
Ken Moretti, Keaton Hillman, Marjie Southerland,
Robbie Winston, Boomie Pedersen, Caity Brown – klansman

the ZOMBIE monologues has been developed by Firehouse Theatre with support from Aura CuriAtlas Physical Theatre through a series of Zoom workshops.

Videos will premiere at 4pm on 8/19, 8/21, 8/23, 8/25, 8/27, and 8/29 at these 3 links

​donations gladly accepted at or text “zombie” to 44321.

The Zombie Life: A Seminar for Humans Seeking Conversion
We know life is hard. When you are ready to stop searching for meaning and leave the pain behind, we are ready to help.
1. Zombies have no responsibilities.
2. Zombies feel no guilt, shame, or emotional pain of any kind.
3. Zombies don’t plan for the future.
4. Zombies are never judgmental, petty, jealous, or hypocritical.
5. Zombies are free of racism, sexism, and all other forms of prejudice and bigotry.
6. Zombies form no governments, run no businesses, consume no natural resources, and cause no harm to their environments.
7. Zombies are never uncertain. They never second guess. They have no regrets.


Caity Brown

Keaton Hillman

Ken Moretti

Boomie Pedersen

Marjie Southerland

Robbie Winston

Production Team:

Joan Gavaler – Director

Dan Plehal – Movement Director

Todd Labelle – Production Designer

Tad Burrell – Set Designer

Annette Hairfield – Costume Designer

AC Wilson – Props Designer

Grace Brown – Stage Manager




%d bloggers like this: